Gossip Girl... One Tree Hill... American Idol... America's Next Top Model...

is it normal to always have the need to get some emotion by just watching
these tv shows? i can't seem to figure out why i always and as in always get the most
meaning about every little detail that turns out in these shows...
i don't know why... but it really gets me... it affects me...

do i really have to like become affected by everything that happens in these shows???
it's like every time i watch it, it seems to read me....

i hate it... i get dumbfounded.... crying alone....
realizing how it could have been easier if i did lead my life the way things turn out in
these shows.... it's pretty annoying sometimes.... i hate having to depend the way i think
and feel with the lessons i get to comprehend every time i do watch an episode of these shows...

but i gotta be honest... it makes me feel safe somehow...
and i get a little hope that maybe someday, things would just turn out ok...
we'll see...

Searching for some clarity. . .

i thought it wasn't suppose to be that hard to find some answers in life if u just keep asking...

but it turns out.... the more u ask about everything that seems vague in your life, u get into a more difficult state when u start hearing the unbearable truths to every unpredictable circumstance that u actually get to encounter everyday... the answers seem to reveal the reality of every little detail of your life... you start to wonder why u even bothered to ask when u know that in the end, u could get what you were really looking for, or u end up disappointed, devastated and discontented with whatever the truth has slapped you...

it is a slap alright... i has been a big slap lately in my case... i hate facing the reality of just about everything... i wanna live in a world where people can somehow live pretentiously... like everything and everyone is fine and nothing could go wrong as long as u have faith in just about anything in the world but most of all - faith in yourself and faith in other people... but sadly... life has not been depicting that pretty well nowadays... people seem too easily disheartened at the mistakes of one innocent fella that they tend to bring that person down... enough for that fella not to even dare stand up again n rise from that fall... people seem to have lost the reason to believe... people seem to have forgotten to have patience in having faith that everything is going to be alright if u just believe...

maybe that's why i have been arguing that same thing on my mind for the past few days that have passed... i've lost faith in what i used to believe... i lost faith in everything i wanted for myself... i've lost faith in people... i've lost faith in what i can actually do... i've ultimately lost faith in myself...

i don't know if i could ever be fine with everything that has been going on in my life... everything about it seems to have been inevitable, indescribable, unbearable and incredibly unsustainable...

i don't even know what truly matters now... all i know is that i have lost almost everything that could possibly fulfill a little part of my happiness... i can't seem to bring back clarity in what i used to picture myself to become when i reach this age... the worst thing is that, its not only that i've lost faith but its also 'cause i've become lost in a world i used to love so much... now i know that i don't want any part of this "world" anymore... i've become fed up with everything that seems to devour every little thing that i used to cherish so much... now it's all gone...

this is where i point out that i don't need to know the answers anymore... maybe I'd still ask... but not to get the most unlikely answers to my confusions... but maybe just to search for some clarity... no more biases... no more opinions... just the clear reality of everything... whether it be the truth or not... i know now what i'm actually going to listen and forget, and which ones i'm actually going to instill in my heart...

for now... i'm just searching for some clarity... is that so hard to find?!
tell me now... 'cause it has been really hard trying to understand everything...
vague as life is... i know i'm very uncertain what might be or what could be...
right now... it's killing me slowly... there's no cure to this sickness...
it is mildly infectious but i am damn well aware that people out there have the same thoughts
as mine... i do hope u get to tell me what seems to be wrong in this world we live in now...
tell me now... or tell me never... whatever...
it doesn't truly matter anymore, right?!

do u know where the beauty is at some point in our lives? the beauty is in the attempt...
and call me assuming but really I've attempted to make things right for like a gazillion times now but nothing seems to work out... it didn't work out at all...
so let's just leave it at that... at least i can say that i tried... the intention was there...
i attempted to do it, right? what else do u want from me?

for now... this is all of me... wasted... torned... used... unvalued...
practically just a piece of s***...